I call myself the "Human Metronome." How did this super hero-esque name come to fruition? Well, I have become pretty damn efficient with timing and pacing in my day-to-day life. To the point where I can predict my day, hours before the event I predict occurs. For example; yesterday I had to have a dog bath done by 3pm and no later, as that's when the parent insisted they were going to be arriving to pick him up. I discovered this request when I arrived at 7:30am. I clock in, take a look at my day, and know I've got a time crunch on my hands: off-leash hikes, on-leash walks, and three other baths filled the day. The walks have to be done first, and one of the baths was a dog I was bringing in from a hike, so they needed to be the first in the tub. I pushed through the day, and the 3pm dog was dry and jumping off the grooming table at 2:59pm, right as his dad pulled in to retrieve him. I'd say I got lucky, but I pull these feats off on a regular basis.
This well-paced trait shows its face in other ways too. Even splits during interval workouts. Heart rate and cadence staying within 5 units for an entire run or ride. Telling the girlfriend I need to go run an errand and being back in the time predicted. I wish I could say it's a gift, but the truth is, it stems from a trait I wish I felt less often, anxiety.
Everyone has some level of anxiety. Without it we would be aimless, emotionless turds. Mine usually presents itself in a fast paced, "against the clock" manner that I attribute to being involved in racing-based sports from an elementary school age to now. Pacing is so ingrained in my mind, that I have to calm myself down after a 5 minute delay. The fear that I won't hit the target pace, or finish the task on time is motivating to me. This is a fear I welcome, because being efficient and timely is rarely a negative.
For a long time I didn't realize I was an anxious person. In fact, most people describe me as laid back and easy going. It wasn't until about a year ago that I acknowledged the anxious bird on my shoulder. When my anxiety started displaying itself in another form. Mistrust. I typically view myself as a level headed person. I try and look at both sides of an argument. I try and get the full story before jumping to conclusions. But I started finding myself suspicious of the people I kept close and love. Assuming the worst will happen in most situations. Having more trust in complete strangers than people I've known for years. Because if they do something to me, it will hurt less. Part of it can be attributed to past events in life I won't call out on here. Hell, part of it could even be attributed to the trend of criminal based television and political news that is seemingly inescapable. But ultimately, it comes down to my own self-confidence. A fear that I am not worthy, or that peoples perception of me is not what they portray to my face. These are fears we all have at some point or another, and sometimes have truth behind them. However, it's when the fear becomes overwhelming, and logic or reasoning are lost, that it turns destructive.
Overturning this destructive way of thinking has been a focus of mine since then. Now, I have found ways to manage this fear. I mark it when it happens and move forward with my day. If it's a truth it will come back and make itself present again. If it's a false fear, I can not allow myself to spend all day thinking about it. That only feeds the anxiety and turns a fear-mongering thought into an "Alternative Fact" that my mind want's to use as a cornerstone the next time a moment presents itself. I also direct my anxiety into something constructive. Cleaning the apartment, or better yet, doing something that will boost my confidence like exercising or writing. It ain't perfect, but nothing is.
My bodies natural anxiousness I may never be able to change, but how I channel my anxiety I most definitely can. I'll keep pushing for those perfect splits. For the well-timed task. Striving for the most efficient day possible. Because, as my favorite graffiti'd fence in Eugene states, "Worry is a Misuse of Imagination," and feeling good about yourself is in the end, what breeds success.
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