Writing for Me

As I dive into a career in writing I am of course facing some second guessing and a dip in self-confidence. Writing is not as easy as it looks. Of course, it is easy to execute the act of writing. Pouring thought onto paper (or computer) and letting the sentences form themselves. But that only gets you so far, and its the part that comes next that has always been my favorite part, and to many writers, the most important part of the process. Revision. Taking your initial thoughts and reworking them. Finding "effortless" ways to say things  to capture exactly what you really mean.

My anxious mind loves a second chance. I am no stranger to replaying a situation over and over again, looking for the perfect rebuttal, hours after I had my chance for a witty response. Writing gives me that chance. The opportunity to work through exactly what it is I want to say. I don't always take the opportunity to do this. Sometimes it's out of laziness. Sometimes I don't have the time. But when it comes down to it, I feel unsatisfied with anything I haven't looked over at least a handful of times.

I'm never going to claim to be a great writer. In an art that is forever evolving, an art that is so intricate that every word in a 500 page novel can claim its own importance, I am merely trying to share my experience and my opinion as I go. And that's really all that can be asked of a writer. Sure, some jobs require you strive to reach a specific audience. But ultimately, it is the writers voice and ability to get the reader to relate that drives any given piece. If you aren't writing for yourself you aren't writing to the best of your ability.

I am a man of simple words. I don't boast a giant vocabulary. Not like the guy who tries to confuse the people he interacts with in any given conversation. If anything, I boost the opinions and ideas of others by giving lackluster input like I am barely grasping what they are saying. It's something I do subconsciously. Probably because I've always been aware that only a select few ever become a true expert on something. There is always something new to learn. And so, I naturally view their opinion in an educational light and rarely cast judgement. Even if someone comes to me and starts spewing all their opinions on dogs, there is always a chance they know something I don't, so trying to dominate a conversation with my own knowledge never seems like a logical move to me.

It's after I have gathered this new information, from whoever it may be I've interacted with, that I can go back to the drawing board and pull the things I agree with, the new perspective I never knew existed, the rebuttal I never got out in time. Rethinking, reworking the ideas. A paragraph long facebook response on politics can consume my whole day.

It's that type of thinking that will ultimately reward me as a writer. There is so much to learn, and so much to experience. The little intricacies that go unnoticed by a general reader may be overlooked by myself in a first draft, but going back and thinking about the purpose of every paragraph, every sentence, every word and comma, is what makes it so enjoyable to me. And this process is what drives me to want to learn that much more.

The funny thing about writing is that you need self-confidence to be a great writer. You need to believe that your word, your thought process, is the thing that is going to draw the reader in. Revision is what gives me that confidence, that chance of redemption from my initial muddy thoughts. It is important I remember this, because I will face a lot of rejection as I start this endeavor, but the perseverance and will to continue revising and continue putting myself out there is what is going to bring me results.

Golden Goals

It's been a bit since my last post. But I promise it is because I have been sticking to the big picture and didn't just toss this project to the side. It actually pained me that I couldn't find the time the days I was away.

This post will actually be a regrouping or maybe a revisiting of what this blog is all about and pinpointing some things for myself.

2017 is my golden birthday year. I will be turning 27 on May 27th. That fact has been a driving force for all of my self-discovery, career changing, and balance searching. Since January 1st I've been working hard to make sure this year really counts. I know that's a novel idea to cling onto, but I found myself losing drive and feeling lost the last couple years, so I'm happy to cling onto something. 30 is fast approaching and I want to hit that milestone in a much better place than I currently am.

Being a goal-oriented mind, it is important that I set achievable paths in all aspects of my life. If I have a clear idea of what I want and a coherent, well thought out way to achieve it I almost always succeed. I'm a competitive person, losing sucks, so it's important to create easy victories along the way. In the last few years I was too easy on myself, and with this new spark I've lit it is important that there are clear courses I am steering towards to prevent a loss in motivation.

Mental: Mental health should always be at the forefront of any persons priorities. For me staying confident and happy is clearly my best state and where I find the most success. I have mentioned my anxiety in earlier posts and it is a part of me whether I want it to be or not. My goal is to keep my anxious mind working in positive ways for me, my relationship, and the world around me. To achieve this I must recognize anxious moments, and think of a positive way to spin whatever I am thinking, or be able to decatastophize the situation and remind myself of the other things going right for me at the time.

Health and Fitness: My last post brought up the cold hard fact that I may not be able to focus on bike racing the way I have in the past. At least this season. However, my body is telling me this fact as well. In the past month I have fallen ill twice after trying to get back into things. One hard effort and I feel weak and vulnerable to injury or sickness. Not to mention, since running my marathon in October, I have had a bone spur in my knee that I've yet to truly test and see if it will affect the tendons in the area as mileage racks up on it. So, for now my goal is to add consistency on a small scale. I want to be able to do 30 - 60 minutes of exercise at least 4 times a weak. It's nothing compared to what I have done in the past and it's not going to prepare me for a race season, but it will keep me active. The activity alone will be a positive factor in my mental health as well as keep a consistent base for when I am able to find the free time to ramp things up a bit more or throw in a long ride or spontaneous race on the weekend. On the health front, I need to keep my diet in check. With less time to cook real meals I have found myself putting a lot of junk into my body. I've never felt the need to go on any sort of diet, but if you think of a car taking fuel, the better quality the fuel, the better it runs, and the body is no exception.

Career: This is the most important category at the moment. Things are changing for me and I have a lot of support and preparation going in my favor. It sounds like things will be phasing out for me a bit at my current place of employment, which is perfect for getting into a new career path. As more time frees up for me I can look into freelance opportunities that will provide me with more experience while still having a steady income so I am not left with nothing and in desperate need of finding a new way to make money. My goal is to be able to take these next few months and push for new opportunities that I can use to boost my resume. Writing is a great career in the fact that there are a variety of different ways to make money. There are small part-time projects as well as full-time career positions with benefits. Landing a full-time position seems just out of reach at the moment with my lack of real world experience, which is why the freelance opportunities available are going to be an important stepping stone that I must utilize in my short term game.

Bringing it all back together, putting in the effort I used to exert into training for the bike season will definitely bring success. Keeping a happy and healthy mind and body will be the foundation for the confidence I need jumping into a new career that will surely throw some curve balls my way, and propel me towards making the lifestyle changes Rian and I dream of on a daily basis in our tiny apartment with two dogs, five bikes, and minimum common appliances. As long as I keep pushing, learning, and working towards my goals, even if I fall short, I have still bettered myself.

Embracing the Bonk

I've been doing long training rides with my usual group of riding buddies on the weekends, and been getting dropped hard. Often times twenty miles from home, after spending the whole ride on the rivet and avoiding the front as much as possible. In the past I was more than capable of not only enduring these rides, but often being the one laying the hammer down. This turn of events would usually have me doing anything to make sure it didn't happen next time, but for now, I'm kind of, at least a little bit, proud of it.

Why the hell am I proud of getting my butt handed to me weekend after weekend? It all comes down to that balance thing, the whole point of this blog. Cycling (and running) has been my best friend and my worst enemy for a long while now. I love it so much so that I will neglect everything else in my life. A habit I've fallen into too many times to let happen again at this detrimental point in my life. Last year at this time I was doing 300+ mile weeks in the saddle. Trying to get off work as early as possible, so I could rush home and hop on the bike. Then, spend the rest of the evening with my feet up on the couch. It paved the way for a successful rookie season in the 1/2s and if I were a professional cyclist, it would be considered ideal time management. But as a recreational rube, it hasn't done me any favors. I lost track of career goals. I lost any drive for putting effort into friendships and my wonderful relationship. I even found myself struggling to get up and sweep the floor or do the dishes. Basically, everything outside cycling started going downhill. Not in the fun - 12 miles descending a mountain - kind of way. All of this was happening while I kept throwing the little income I was making into parts and race weekends that brought a surface layer of joy.

I look up to the guys I ride with. Not because they are in better shape than me, but because they have found their balance. Most of them have full-fledged families and an established career already. They have gone through what I am now experiencing, and came out on top. Sure, they have a decade or two of life on me, but it doesn't deter from their accomplishment. They either had to take some time away, or found their balance early on before it became too problematic.

This time around I am putting cycling second. I may not reach the form I once had, but right now I'm ok with that. If I can start seeing success in my career and life goals I will be far happier than a victory in any race I may line up for. I will still get out there and suffer through the weekend in hopes that some sort of form may come around. But for now, I must embrace my bonk, and keep the big picture in mind. I hope someday I will find what works for me. Perhaps regular commuting with a ride in the week and a weekend filled with miles. Perhaps the "power hour" will become a staple in my training. For now, cycling has been taken down a notch to make time for the things that need to be focused on, because they have been neglected for far too long.

Finding Inspiration from Friends

The concept of surrounding yourself with the right people, pulling inspiration from your friends, is nothing new. It's timeless. Today my friends released a handful of new tracks off their upcoming sophomore album (shameless plug here) and I can't help but see the correlations between their new path and my new endeavor.

Since knowing Chris and Keegan in high school, music has been an enormous part of their life. We'd get together, go for a run, and then I'd find myself in a La-Z-Boy listening to them jam for hours after. In other words, their success in the last few years hasn't been a complete shock to me. However, watching them mature and strive for a sound that is purely their own has been monumentally motivating and educational.

Please read the Billboard.com article and see how much work and thought has gone into this new album. And of course, to give them a listen! http://www.billboard.com/articles/columns/rock/7685883/vinyl-theatre-new-album-origami-songs-interview

“We made something that sounded completely different from the rest of the songs we'd been writing… [It’s] about laying your burdens down and taking a leap of faith when the trail runs cold.” - Keegan Calmes

If I could take the last bit of that quote and paint it on the wall above my bed without feeling like a Pinterest Princess I would. It correlates so smoothly with my quarter-century crisis, and the hardships I will face as I take on a new career path in writing. A few weeks ago, when I turned down a supported avenue towards becoming a dog trainer, I saw the trail was indeed running cold. It felt like a logical next step, but not the right step. In some ways it felt like a trap. Like if I put all my time and money into it I would be stuck as a dog trainer in a state saturated with others who have already staked their claim. You could argue that case for nearly any career path, but if your head isn't in the game, is the effort going to produce results? Vinyl Theatre has their head in the game. They recognized what was missing, what wasn't working, and regrouped, putting in a huge effort to create some damn good music. That's where I'm at. Focused in on the path I'm willing to put the huge effort into. There is some rust to shake off, but I feel my skills being polished. A career in writing, like in the music business, can see success come in ebbs-and-flows, but if I consistently put in the effort and push for a higher quality of writing, success will come.

The Human Metronome

I have an on going joke with myself. It's not lame, you have one about yourself too.

I call myself the "Human Metronome." How did this super hero-esque name come to fruition? Well, I have become pretty damn efficient with timing and pacing in my day-to-day life. To the point where I can predict my day, hours before the event I predict occurs. For example; yesterday I had to have a dog bath done by 3pm and no later, as that's when the parent insisted they were going to be arriving to pick him up. I discovered this request when I arrived at 7:30am. I clock in, take a look at my day, and know I've got a time crunch on my hands: off-leash hikes, on-leash walks, and three other baths filled the day. The walks have to be done first, and one of the baths was a dog I was bringing in from a hike, so they needed to be the first in the tub. I pushed through the day, and the 3pm dog was dry and jumping off the grooming table at 2:59pm, right as his dad pulled in to retrieve him. I'd say I got lucky, but I pull these feats off on a regular basis.

This well-paced trait shows its face in other ways too. Even splits during interval workouts. Heart rate and cadence staying within 5 units for an entire run or ride. Telling the girlfriend I need to go run an errand and being back in the time predicted. I wish I could say it's a gift, but the truth is, it stems from a trait I wish I felt less often, anxiety.

Everyone has some level of anxiety. Without it we would be aimless, emotionless turds. Mine usually presents itself in a fast paced, "against the clock" manner that I attribute to being involved in racing-based sports from an elementary school age to now. Pacing is so ingrained in my mind, that I have to calm myself down after a 5 minute delay. The fear that I won't hit the target pace, or finish the task on time is motivating to me. This is a fear I welcome, because being efficient and timely is rarely a negative.

For a long time I didn't realize I was an anxious person. In fact, most people describe me as laid back and easy going. It wasn't until about a year ago that I acknowledged the anxious bird on my shoulder. When my anxiety started displaying itself in another form. Mistrust. I typically view myself as a level headed person. I try and look at both sides of an argument. I try and get the full story before jumping to conclusions. But I started finding myself suspicious of the people I kept close and love. Assuming the worst will happen in most situations. Having more trust in complete strangers than people I've known for years. Because if they do something to me, it will hurt less. Part of it can be attributed to past events in life I won't call out on here. Hell, part of it could even be attributed to the trend of criminal based television and political news that is seemingly inescapable. But ultimately, it comes down to my own self-confidence. A fear that I am not worthy, or that peoples perception of me is not what they portray to my face. These are fears we all have at some point or another, and sometimes have truth behind them. However, it's when the fear becomes overwhelming, and logic or reasoning are lost, that it turns destructive.

Overturning this destructive way of thinking has been a focus of mine since then. Now, I have found ways to manage this fear. I mark it when it happens and move forward with my day. If it's a truth it will come back and make itself present again. If it's a false fear, I can not allow myself to spend all day thinking about it. That only feeds the anxiety and turns a fear-mongering thought into an "Alternative Fact" that my mind want's to use as a cornerstone the next time a moment presents itself. I also direct my anxiety into something constructive. Cleaning the apartment, or better yet, doing something that will boost my confidence like exercising or writing. It ain't perfect, but nothing is.

My bodies natural anxiousness I may never be able to change, but how I channel my anxiety I most definitely can. I'll keep pushing for those perfect splits. For the well-timed task. Striving for the most efficient day possible. Because, as my favorite graffiti'd fence in Eugene states, "Worry is a Misuse of Imagination," and feeling good about yourself is in the end, what breeds success.

Clean as You Go

Clean as you go;

lesson I've come to know

a motivation I soon hope to grow

stop letting things build

letting corners be filled

left with problems and nothing to show

don't sweep  under the rug with a light shoulder shrug

take the time, an often forced tug

take care of it early

before bruises turn burly

with cost out-weighing your pro

a ride in the rain

weathers your chain

and plugging a leak

leads other things weak

If you love it take care

neglect leads to wear

or the best fix may be letting go

Something I've been struggling to solidify in my day to day life is addressing problems when they first arrive. Brushing things off and letting them build only exasperates the problem. It's not just bike maintenance, or car maintenance, or keeping a clean house. It's keeping a clean mind, clean relationships, and having a better quality of life. It can be hard to want to stop what you are doing, or push when you are feeling lazy. However, addressing a problem as it happens and staying motivated to see it through, will always pay off in the end. Don't let something you care about slide into degrade and become a burden that needs to be trashed.

-Cass

The Sh*t Storm

I woke up this morning feeling a little under the weather. I felt it coming the last two days, but it finally hit me. A bad sore throat. My energy non-existant. But of course, I had to give the day a shot. Making money is a priority at the moment as Rian and I prepare for a move up to the Portland area.

I zombied through the day, walking dogs in the cold morning air, bundled up like it was below zero outside. Dog walks are nothing compared to a 90 mile bike ride, but today I felt like I could fall asleep at any moment if my eyes closed for just a few seconds. I got through them and started my grooming work. Three older dogs were on the list today. The old ones are my favorite. They are always a little less stressed, and require a gentle touch. This was exactly what I needed on a day where I felt like I couldn't muster up the strength to contain a ball of energy that wants to put up a "fight." I put that in quotes, because obviously that's not what grooming is really like. Positivity and comfort is key, which can take a lot of effort and energy working with those dogs that hate the grooming process.

The first two dogs were a breeze, which started turning me around with the end of my day in sight. My last dog happened to be one of my favorites, Jock. He is an elderly black lab, that in all respect is nearing the end. Every time I see him I fear it could be the last. So, getting the opportunity to groom him today made it feel like one last hoorah. I took a lot of time with him, making sure he was as comfortable as possible. Worked with him gently and compassionately, admittedly fighting back tears. I let him lay down through most of the work because his hips are shot, and tried to make sure he was never under stress. After he was clean, all that was left was a quick blow-dry before our time together was over. Because he was laying down most the time, the last area to dry was his rear end. I guided him up into a standing position and started blow-drying his back legs. As I got nearer to his, ahemm... hole, it triggered something in the poor guy, and with high pressure air blowing around, he started to poop. Shit went flying everywhere, including all over me.

I couldn't get mad at him. I knew it was not his fault. But, I couldn't help feel defeated after just turning my day around. A whole morning of feeling like shit, and now it has literally blown up in my face. It's hard not to be in a bad mood after such an event, but this entry is my opportunity to grow from it.

Life is going to throw some curve balls at you and all you can do is take a second to think about the positives. I got to spend time with my buddy Jock. I survived a day I probably should have stayed in bed for. And I was "gifted" with a good story.

My illness came at a pretty terrible time. I was just starting to find motivation to get back out on the bike and crank out some miles for the spring racing season. And now I am sick and another freezing rain warning is upon us. While I'm stuck inside trying to get better I must use this opportunity to cuddle up with my own pups and write, work on a few projects I'm almost done with, and prepare myself for more job hunting.

-Cass