Why I must finish reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.

When Robert Pirsig died on April 24th a wave of heartache followed on my Facebook newsfeed. All of my mechanically inclined and/or adventure-seeking friends took the opportunity to praise his great work Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance and share with the world how it's words shaped their lives.

I grew curious. What was this book and how have I never heard of it? So many had nothing but good things to say. A week later, when I was reminded, I went straight to Amazon where I found it for $3.50 ($3.99 shipping). After a few days the book was in my mailbox.

That evening I started turning the pages. I knew the story had something to do with philosophy and talked about a motorcycle trip across the country, and that was about it. What I quickly discovered is how much I needed this book.

Though I'm only about 100 pages in, Pirsig's narrator has shed light on a philosophy that is partially why I started this blog in the first place. He often compares his personal life philosophy to that of his friends on the road, using motorcycle maintenance as the prime example of their differences. The narrator believes in understanding every bit of technology on his bike so that he can make repairs on his own, while the friend, John, chooses to avoid even thinking about the maintenance and leaves that to a proper mechanic. A battle between masterful-understanding and blind-enjoyment, or at least it seems that way thus far.

I personally fall under John's perspective far too often. I live in the moment and if a hiccup happens I get frustrated instead of promptly developing a way to work around it. It's not a black and white philosophy, and I don't think Pirsig tries to sell it that way. There are plenty of times where I DO think like the narrator and work to understand what the problem is so I can fix it myself, or stop and consider why I reacted the way I did. My search for a more balanced life involves thinking with the narrators perspective more often. I want to be able to fix my bicycles on my own. I want to be able to do simple maintenance on my car more regularly. I want to edit my writing systematically and thoroughly. And I want to control my anxiety more successfully.

My hope is that this book will be the kick in the pants I need to push this goal further. After all, it couldn't be coincidence that I discovered ZAMM at this point in my life.

Cramming it All in a Weekend

This past weekend I didn't have to work at the day job. I was excited to get a full weekend off, but wanted to utilize my free time. That meant being productive in all my other interests. I wanted to ride my bike - but needed to make sure I wasn't too tired after. There was a giant writing project looming over me, and I wanted to hangout with my girlfriend and dogs between everything else.

There never seems to be enough time to accomplish everything, but I was extremely close in the last two days.

Saturday was a big day. I woke up at a reasonable hour, drank some coffee and had breakfast, then went straight to the computer to work for a while. I had until 1:15pm to work before it was time to get suited up.

I met up with a few guys for a nice long ride at 2pm. The small group made me nervous. I had yet to finish a long ride without bonking this year, but Saturday was different. Surprisingly, I felt great the whole time. I put in a lot of work at the front, the climbing legs were dancing on the pedals, and I still felt strong enough at the end to keep pushing the pace. In the middle of the week I put in some quality miles, which hadn't been happening recently. It appears the race from the previous weekend and the extra rides have boosted my fitness - an exciting discovery in the middle of the race season.

Returning home, I expected to be a zombie for the rest of the evening, but I still had some fight in me. I pushed to finish the rough draft on my project and stayed up late to do so. It was beginning to feel like a choir (23 pages), so getting the first draft done was the cherry on top of a successful day.

Sunday was all about editing. I hoped for a finished product by the end of the day. 23 pages is a lot and I like to go over important pieces 3-4 times before submitting. I didn't quite make it, but did manage to get two rounds of editing in while finding time to meet Rian for lunch and clean the apartment. I'm still editing today (Monday), but I'm starting to feel close and ready for submission. It will be so satisfying to get this article turned in.

I was impressed with my productivity, so I rewarded myself with some Karaoke at the bar down the street last night. Sex and Candy by Marcy Playground was stuck in my head all week, and I gave a flawless performance. Going out was the perfect cap to a busy weekend and it was important that I spent time with Rian, because we've both been busy with work.

Riding, writing, fun, and even some cleaning. I squeezed it all into one weekend without killing myself to do so. Finding such a good balance was more gratifying than finding my fitness or getting close to finishing my big project. All the hard work and focus is paying off.

Silverton Slugfest

Last weekend was polar opposite to the weekend before. Sunny and semi-warm. The weather had me eager to make up for my inactivity and get a race in. Unfortunately, I quickly discovered I had committed to an event well above my fitness level.

I had never been to the Silverton area before. As it turns out, there isn't a flat stretch of ground to be found. I knew the race was going to be hilly - it's partly why I chose to jump in. When the road tilts up I have a natural advantage. What was in store? - 70 miles, 4 laps on a 17.5 mile rolling loop.

Perhaps I would have had a decent race, if a handful of pro riders hadn't showed up to rip everyone's legs off.

Right from the gun the pace was hot. At the first big climb the field completely blew apart. Starting in the back, due to my comfort level in the group, meant I spent the whole ten-minute climb passing the remnants of the peloton to try and regain contact with the front group. I got pretty close in my solo effort, but was left dangling in a strong headwind. It was then that a small number of us formed the first chase group to get back on. A healthy mix of respected climbers and descenders made our group a safe bet for catching up, but the front of the race wasn't making it easy. It took about ten miles through the wind and rolling hills for us to finally regain contact, and that's when I knew I picked a bad day to race.

The second lap eased up a little, at least to start. The big climb was taken a bit more casually, but riders were still falling off from the chase effort the lap before. I attempted to move up and find a safer spot where I wouldn't yo-yo so much and waste energy. Slotting into seventh wheel, I tried to settle down. Unfortunately, the descent ensured I would find myself at the back again. Not only do I get blown around from my weight during headwind descents, but my Zipp 404's with 20mm tires were stripping away my confidence with every gust. I never really had a moment to catch my breath or eat food easily and we weren't even halfway yet. As we neared the end of the second lap we hit an easy grade section with a brutal crosswind that had the peloton guttered. I was starting to feel comfortable until the pro's at the front of the group started surging in the wind. Being at the back only exaggerated the effects and I had to use a lot of energy to hold wheels.

I made it into the third lap, but I could already feel my legs tying up. I quickly started on my second clifbar and began to pray. It did me no good. By the start of the big hill I blew up. With no power, I watched the group dance away.

We were only a few miles into the third loop and I had 12 miles back to the finish line, where I already knew a DNF was in store. Doing the fourth lap wasn't an option with how shredded my legs already felt. I caught up to another rider who was dropped shortly after me and we started riding together, trying to chat the pain away. A group of four eventually caught us and we pace-lined for a while, until even our casually paced group blew up 5 miles from the end of the lap. I tried to go with the stronger legs, but found myself caught in the middle and soloed to the line. There I waited for the field to finish. I figured they must be halfway done with the last lap by now. Seeing the finish confirmed how hard of a day it was for everyone. The pro's came in together, and everyone else was struggling to reach the line.

Overall, I was actually satisfied with my effort. Had it been a standard OBRA field I think I may have survived the third lap and at least finished the race. More so, I was happy with how hard I fought and held on being, to my knowledge, the most under-trained rider in the bunch. Of course, last year I may have been in the top ten. This year I haven't produced any steady training since October, so I can't expect to be strong.

Ultimately, I need to ride my bike more. I have been running with the dogs most of the week, but my bike rides are few and far between. My heart and lungs are strong, but my legs are not. Twenty miles of sustained power and the legs fall apart. With a few more rides than runs, maybe I can be competitive at Montinore in a few weeks. Oh, and I need to throw some wider tires on my race wheels or I'm an accident waiting to happen on Montinore's descent and tight turns.

I Didn't Go

In the last post I said I would have a race report from King's Valley. Well, I didn't go.

I can justify spending a bunch of money and getting my ass handed to me when the weather is nice and the experience is still fun. But I checked my iphone every two hours yesterday, trying to decide if the weather was going to hold up enough to make the trip. Most hardcore racers would say I was being a chicken, and I definitely was. A good sufferfest hardens you. However, the forecast was stuck on 40 and rainy. I would have survived, but I wouldn't have had fun. And at this point, fun is the only reason I'm going out there to get canned. So, I stayed home this morning.

I woke up and planned to go for a long run. That way I could at least stay a little warmer if I got dumped on, and I wouldn't need to endure it for 3+ hours. It was blue skies the entire time. Ran a good pace, and even took a KOM by two minutes. Regret set in and I started to think I made a bad call. I'm more fit than expected and the weather seemed perfect in Eugene. Then, I heard it started hailing during the bike race...

Pro's
I had a great run and saw hints of fitness
I saved about $100 total in expenses
I wasn't miserable for almost 4 hours

Con's
I'm not the badass bike racer I was last year

It All Came at Once

It's been over a week since my last post. That's a longer gap than I ever hoped to have on here. But it was for a good reason! I promise.

Last week was one of those times where too many good things happen all at once, and it turns into a stressful balancing act. For starters, it was spring break. That hasn't really been something to celebrate post college. In fact, at the current day-job, it means things get really, really busy. Everyone is off to Mexico, and I'm left walking their dogs and making sure they are given back cleaner than they were dropped off. It was one of the busiest work weeks I've had in months. Normally, I'd just muscle through, but I'm also training new staff how to groom, for when I say farewell. Things were going a little slower than usual, and I was at work longer than expected everyday. If that's all there was to it, it'd be no problemo. More hours aren't so bad. It's the additional exciting stuff that made the long day-shifts seem inescapable.

I finally got some writing work! Not just one piece to work on, but three. So, yeah, I had a lot on my plate. But I took it in stride. "This must be the real world," I thought. There were a lot of hours spent working, a few hours of sleep, and thirty minutes here and there to scarf down pizza. I didn't get much time to run or bike. But I didn't have the energy for it either. And that's OK, because all the hard work paid off. Big time. All the pieces were well received. All the training opened more time for me in the future. And all the pizza was delicious.

This week it seems like the world is trying to repay me for my efforts. On Monday, Rian and I were handed free tickets to Momma Mia. A sweet date night I couldn't normally afford. Yesterday, a day off work. Today, another big project offer, huge tips from grooming customers, and no rain.

I hope to get back to consistent posting here, and consistent riding out on the roads, but knowing all my hard work and persistence is paying off has me feeling good about where I placed my efforts and what the future could hold for me. I have a race this weekend, and it probably won't turnout any better than the last one, but I bet the write-up will rock.

Fighting the Urge

Since my last post, I've been fighting a familiar urge. When things don't go well for me, I have a strong impulse to redeem myself. It can turn into me being a sore loser. An extra round of bowling. A second chance to answer a question. So, when a bad race happens, I want to train my ass off.

A year ago I got a flat on the first lap, in my first race as a cat 2. With little experience performing a quick tire change, I lost too much ground and had to DNF. The next race, I went off the front seven miles in and stayed there until I was caught by four remaining guys about forty-five miles later, finishing fifth.

You wouldn't be wrong to say getting dropped in my first race of the season has got me wanting a little more from my fitness. However, getting there needs to be a balancing act. I went out for a 4.5 hour ride yesterday, and fell into zombie mode the rest of the evening. I can't afford to do that all the time. I don't want to do that all the time.

Some will say, "do more long rides and they won't be so hard on your body in the future." While that is partly true, I can't go from one every-so-often, to three a week. For starters, that turns me into a perma-zombie. I know from experience. Also, I can't afford to have cycling hold twelve-plus hours of my week. Six to eight sure, even with some running on the side. But twelve hours, from three rides, in a seven day week? I don't have that desire at the moment. If I can sneak in a 3-4 hour ride somewhere in the week I should feel happy. The 30 minute to 1.5 hour running/biking plan, almost everyday, has seemed to get me in pretty good shape these last three weeks. And it hasn't been leaving me too tired to write or be productive around the house. A few more weeks and I think we'll see some strength in the legs.

To keep things in check, and fight the temptation to go do another 3+ hour ride today, I took the dogs for a 30 minute run this morning. Not just the typical dog jog route along the river. But new trails. Something all three of us could enjoy exploring together. Not too long to where they were dying. Not too short or easy to where I didn't get a decent recovery effort in. The short workout not only left me feeling good for the rest of the day, but it didn't eat up half my daylight either. Now I'm writing. Later, I'll be cleaning. And who knows, maybe I'll have time to get on some things I've been putting off.

Piece of Cake?

Yesterday was my first race since October. The Piece of Cake Road Race in Hubbard, Oregon. Though the relatively flat course suited the suggestive race name, the day turned out to be anything but a "piece of cake."

Between my marathon in early October and yesterday's 66 mile race, my training has been far from consistent. Prioritizing, injury, and illness have left me out of shape and playing catch up. Meaning I was under-prepared for a race against guys who have been riding 300+ miles a week for months.

In short, I was expecting to have my butt handed to me. To ease my mind I told myself I was there for a workout and maybe a little bit of a wake-up call.

Start time was 9am. This meant an early rise to make the hour and a half drive up I-5. I've been so out of the racing mindset that I hadn't even renewed my OBRA license for 2017 - so I was thankful the group of guys I made the trip up with wanted to get there a bit early to prepare. This gave me time to register, and evaluate my bike, which dawned a new-to-me set of race wheels that I had yet to even ride through my apartment complex. Everything checked out and it became time to head to the starting corral.

It was a blue sky kind of day, rare for this time of year, but the open horizon dropped temperatures overnight and start time was a frigid 38-degrees. Knowing the temps would raise quickly over the course of the race, most riders showed up to the line in as little amount of clothing as they could get away with - shaking uncontrollably as we waited for the starter to get through the rules of the road speech. I pulled up to the line a little late and found myself at the back before the race even began. I knew it's where I was likely to stay.

The race went off and the group of 50-60 some men pushed away, clipped in, and tried to control their shaking limbs. Things heated up quickly, as they often do, and guys were jumping off the front at any opportunity. This kept the pace fast and had me sitting on the rivet even in the back of the group. Though the 13 mile circuit was flat with only a few quick bumps in the road, there were an endless thread of sharp turns to navigate, leaving the peloton strung-out for most of the race.

The last third of the loop was a section of road with no center-line. This was the easiest place for me to move up in the group and get into better position. Unfortunately, it also held a majority of the sharp turns. Being off the bike left me more than out of shape. My bike handling and comfort-level in the group lost sharpness as well. I found myself losing a wheel to draft in most of the turns and having to sprint out of the corner to catch back up. This had me yo-yoing in the early stages of the race, which was a huge waist of energy.

After gaining some confidence 2 laps in, I made a move to the front to cement my name in the worker column and drop the tag-along title I was quickly earning. Towards the end of the center-line-free section of road there was a steep little 100m climb that had been bringing the peloton to a halt every lap. I used my climbing legs to launch myself up the field. With no center-line, I sprinted along the left side of the group and comfortably tucked into the fourth or fifth slot in line. Both my teammates, Paul and Steve, were in the group, so I knew it was OK for me to take a few pulls and try and reel in a small group that was 200m up the road. I took two pulls and knew to call it quits. At this point in the race the wind had started to roll in. The move to the front and two pulls in the headwind had me gassed and I slipped back into the peloton.

This is when my time off the bike really started to screw me. I found myself towards the front of the group, finally, but staying there became a tall order. Within a half-lap, or a handful of turns, I found myself in the back. The next lap I tried to do the same move, in the same spot, but only made it about half-way up the group before deciding to tuck in. Again, an attempt to position myself better as I could feel the pace starting to crank up and the wind getting stronger. Again, I found myself sliding to the back by the end of the loop.

By the fourth lap the race was unapologetically on. Riders were slowly slipping by me and shedding from the peloton. I was last wheel, but I knew I still had strength to hang on and, hopefully, make it to the end. The group made a turn for the north side of the course. An open section of road, that now displayed a brutal crosswind. The field stretched like a slinky. I could see echelons forming up the road and I knew I was in trouble. I was still last wheel and breaks were forming. Every thirty seconds a new rider would pull out from the line, leaving a gap to be filled. It became a game of leap frog. As I'd get around the popped rider I'd sprint to reconnect. In such a crucial moment of the race, the efforts began to pile up quickly. By the end of the crosswind section I was leading a small group, trying desperately to get back on the train. The tail of the dwindling peloton was only about 50m up the road and I knew it was now or never. I surged and attempted to close the gap. My power was now depleted and my surge turned into a solo time trial effort to chase back on. I pushed all the way through the last half of the fifth lap, but by the finish line I was 200, maybe 300 meters behind and I decided it was time to call it a day.

I could have finished the last lap, it's never good to start the year with a DNF, but I shuddered at the thought of facing the crosswind one more time. I knew I received the workout and wake-up call I was asking for.

A Change in Thinking

I recently came across an article on Facebook called "10 Things Only Poor People Do." The post itself is harsh, and chooses to be black and white on a lot of complex life choices. But what stood out to me, is the shift in thinking I have personally experienced between working a job I did for the money and changing my career path to something that I find motivating and strive to grow in.

4. Focus on What They Can Buy, Not How Great They Can Be.
I have long been a dreamer, but never focused on the steps needed to reach the lifestyle I want for myself. Day after day I would go into work and simply get through so I could go ride my bike or hangout with friends. There was no goal of achievement or big picture, just a continuous grind. After making a shift towards writing I have a big picture goal to write for a company I am interested in and passionate about. To incorporate my hobbys into my career and get paid to create something I truly enjoy putting the work into. At the moment I am seeking out opportunities and willing to write for free. Because I know in the long run the experience will only propel me towards my goal. Like bike racing, you need to build a solid base before you can fine tune and compete for the podium.

7. Have Great Ideas but Do Nothing About Them Other than Talk About Them.
Jumping from one grand idea to the next is kind of my MO, or it used to be. As mentioned in previous posts, finding my balance has involved looking at the whole picture and not being gung-ho about something one week and moving onto something new the next. With writing I get to channel that eager, jumpy part of my personality, but am forced to see it through to completion. Writers have to hustle a bit, and have a product worth selling. You can't submit a half-thought article to a magazine and expect them to publish it.

1. Poor People Always See the Problem Ahead; Never the Solution.
Perhaps the most surprising thing I've experienced thus far, trying to get a writing career off the ground, is how motivating rejection has been. In college I always enjoyed workshops and getting feedback on my pieces, but we were kind to each other. There were few hard NO's. So far, since focusing on my new career path,  I've hardly seen a nibble on my hook. No one wants to hire the untested, I get it. But everytime I get turned down, or hear nothing back, I immediately start thinking of ways to improve my portfolio, my cover letter, my sales pitch - so that next time I may get a different result. This early silence hasn't been a road block, merely a complex problem that I've yet to find the correct solution to.

Having found a career path I am passionate about has been a huge boost in my confidence, work ethic, and clarity. I know the original article was hinting more on monetary success, but for me a lot of the points correlate perfectly with the success I've been experiencing in my day to day push for a happier, healthier future. Not just a grind to get by.

Writing for Me

As I dive into a career in writing I am of course facing some second guessing and a dip in self-confidence. Writing is not as easy as it looks. Of course, it is easy to execute the act of writing. Pouring thought onto paper (or computer) and letting the sentences form themselves. But that only gets you so far, and its the part that comes next that has always been my favorite part, and to many writers, the most important part of the process. Revision. Taking your initial thoughts and reworking them. Finding "effortless" ways to say things  to capture exactly what you really mean.

My anxious mind loves a second chance. I am no stranger to replaying a situation over and over again, looking for the perfect rebuttal, hours after I had my chance for a witty response. Writing gives me that chance. The opportunity to work through exactly what it is I want to say. I don't always take the opportunity to do this. Sometimes it's out of laziness. Sometimes I don't have the time. But when it comes down to it, I feel unsatisfied with anything I haven't looked over at least a handful of times.

I'm never going to claim to be a great writer. In an art that is forever evolving, an art that is so intricate that every word in a 500 page novel can claim its own importance, I am merely trying to share my experience and my opinion as I go. And that's really all that can be asked of a writer. Sure, some jobs require you strive to reach a specific audience. But ultimately, it is the writers voice and ability to get the reader to relate that drives any given piece. If you aren't writing for yourself you aren't writing to the best of your ability.

I am a man of simple words. I don't boast a giant vocabulary. Not like the guy who tries to confuse the people he interacts with in any given conversation. If anything, I boost the opinions and ideas of others by giving lackluster input like I am barely grasping what they are saying. It's something I do subconsciously. Probably because I've always been aware that only a select few ever become a true expert on something. There is always something new to learn. And so, I naturally view their opinion in an educational light and rarely cast judgement. Even if someone comes to me and starts spewing all their opinions on dogs, there is always a chance they know something I don't, so trying to dominate a conversation with my own knowledge never seems like a logical move to me.

It's after I have gathered this new information, from whoever it may be I've interacted with, that I can go back to the drawing board and pull the things I agree with, the new perspective I never knew existed, the rebuttal I never got out in time. Rethinking, reworking the ideas. A paragraph long facebook response on politics can consume my whole day.

It's that type of thinking that will ultimately reward me as a writer. There is so much to learn, and so much to experience. The little intricacies that go unnoticed by a general reader may be overlooked by myself in a first draft, but going back and thinking about the purpose of every paragraph, every sentence, every word and comma, is what makes it so enjoyable to me. And this process is what drives me to want to learn that much more.

The funny thing about writing is that you need self-confidence to be a great writer. You need to believe that your word, your thought process, is the thing that is going to draw the reader in. Revision is what gives me that confidence, that chance of redemption from my initial muddy thoughts. It is important I remember this, because I will face a lot of rejection as I start this endeavor, but the perseverance and will to continue revising and continue putting myself out there is what is going to bring me results.

Golden Goals

It's been a bit since my last post. But I promise it is because I have been sticking to the big picture and didn't just toss this project to the side. It actually pained me that I couldn't find the time the days I was away.

This post will actually be a regrouping or maybe a revisiting of what this blog is all about and pinpointing some things for myself.

2017 is my golden birthday year. I will be turning 27 on May 27th. That fact has been a driving force for all of my self-discovery, career changing, and balance searching. Since January 1st I've been working hard to make sure this year really counts. I know that's a novel idea to cling onto, but I found myself losing drive and feeling lost the last couple years, so I'm happy to cling onto something. 30 is fast approaching and I want to hit that milestone in a much better place than I currently am.

Being a goal-oriented mind, it is important that I set achievable paths in all aspects of my life. If I have a clear idea of what I want and a coherent, well thought out way to achieve it I almost always succeed. I'm a competitive person, losing sucks, so it's important to create easy victories along the way. In the last few years I was too easy on myself, and with this new spark I've lit it is important that there are clear courses I am steering towards to prevent a loss in motivation.

Mental: Mental health should always be at the forefront of any persons priorities. For me staying confident and happy is clearly my best state and where I find the most success. I have mentioned my anxiety in earlier posts and it is a part of me whether I want it to be or not. My goal is to keep my anxious mind working in positive ways for me, my relationship, and the world around me. To achieve this I must recognize anxious moments, and think of a positive way to spin whatever I am thinking, or be able to decatastophize the situation and remind myself of the other things going right for me at the time.

Health and Fitness: My last post brought up the cold hard fact that I may not be able to focus on bike racing the way I have in the past. At least this season. However, my body is telling me this fact as well. In the past month I have fallen ill twice after trying to get back into things. One hard effort and I feel weak and vulnerable to injury or sickness. Not to mention, since running my marathon in October, I have had a bone spur in my knee that I've yet to truly test and see if it will affect the tendons in the area as mileage racks up on it. So, for now my goal is to add consistency on a small scale. I want to be able to do 30 - 60 minutes of exercise at least 4 times a weak. It's nothing compared to what I have done in the past and it's not going to prepare me for a race season, but it will keep me active. The activity alone will be a positive factor in my mental health as well as keep a consistent base for when I am able to find the free time to ramp things up a bit more or throw in a long ride or spontaneous race on the weekend. On the health front, I need to keep my diet in check. With less time to cook real meals I have found myself putting a lot of junk into my body. I've never felt the need to go on any sort of diet, but if you think of a car taking fuel, the better quality the fuel, the better it runs, and the body is no exception.

Career: This is the most important category at the moment. Things are changing for me and I have a lot of support and preparation going in my favor. It sounds like things will be phasing out for me a bit at my current place of employment, which is perfect for getting into a new career path. As more time frees up for me I can look into freelance opportunities that will provide me with more experience while still having a steady income so I am not left with nothing and in desperate need of finding a new way to make money. My goal is to be able to take these next few months and push for new opportunities that I can use to boost my resume. Writing is a great career in the fact that there are a variety of different ways to make money. There are small part-time projects as well as full-time career positions with benefits. Landing a full-time position seems just out of reach at the moment with my lack of real world experience, which is why the freelance opportunities available are going to be an important stepping stone that I must utilize in my short term game.

Bringing it all back together, putting in the effort I used to exert into training for the bike season will definitely bring success. Keeping a happy and healthy mind and body will be the foundation for the confidence I need jumping into a new career that will surely throw some curve balls my way, and propel me towards making the lifestyle changes Rian and I dream of on a daily basis in our tiny apartment with two dogs, five bikes, and minimum common appliances. As long as I keep pushing, learning, and working towards my goals, even if I fall short, I have still bettered myself.

Embracing the Bonk

I've been doing long training rides with my usual group of riding buddies on the weekends, and been getting dropped hard. Often times twenty miles from home, after spending the whole ride on the rivet and avoiding the front as much as possible. In the past I was more than capable of not only enduring these rides, but often being the one laying the hammer down. This turn of events would usually have me doing anything to make sure it didn't happen next time, but for now, I'm kind of, at least a little bit, proud of it.

Why the hell am I proud of getting my butt handed to me weekend after weekend? It all comes down to that balance thing, the whole point of this blog. Cycling (and running) has been my best friend and my worst enemy for a long while now. I love it so much so that I will neglect everything else in my life. A habit I've fallen into too many times to let happen again at this detrimental point in my life. Last year at this time I was doing 300+ mile weeks in the saddle. Trying to get off work as early as possible, so I could rush home and hop on the bike. Then, spend the rest of the evening with my feet up on the couch. It paved the way for a successful rookie season in the 1/2s and if I were a professional cyclist, it would be considered ideal time management. But as a recreational rube, it hasn't done me any favors. I lost track of career goals. I lost any drive for putting effort into friendships and my wonderful relationship. I even found myself struggling to get up and sweep the floor or do the dishes. Basically, everything outside cycling started going downhill. Not in the fun - 12 miles descending a mountain - kind of way. All of this was happening while I kept throwing the little income I was making into parts and race weekends that brought a surface layer of joy.

I look up to the guys I ride with. Not because they are in better shape than me, but because they have found their balance. Most of them have full-fledged families and an established career already. They have gone through what I am now experiencing, and came out on top. Sure, they have a decade or two of life on me, but it doesn't deter from their accomplishment. They either had to take some time away, or found their balance early on before it became too problematic.

This time around I am putting cycling second. I may not reach the form I once had, but right now I'm ok with that. If I can start seeing success in my career and life goals I will be far happier than a victory in any race I may line up for. I will still get out there and suffer through the weekend in hopes that some sort of form may come around. But for now, I must embrace my bonk, and keep the big picture in mind. I hope someday I will find what works for me. Perhaps regular commuting with a ride in the week and a weekend filled with miles. Perhaps the "power hour" will become a staple in my training. For now, cycling has been taken down a notch to make time for the things that need to be focused on, because they have been neglected for far too long.

Finding Inspiration from Friends

The concept of surrounding yourself with the right people, pulling inspiration from your friends, is nothing new. It's timeless. Today my friends released a handful of new tracks off their upcoming sophomore album (shameless plug here) and I can't help but see the correlations between their new path and my new endeavor.

Since knowing Chris and Keegan in high school, music has been an enormous part of their life. We'd get together, go for a run, and then I'd find myself in a La-Z-Boy listening to them jam for hours after. In other words, their success in the last few years hasn't been a complete shock to me. However, watching them mature and strive for a sound that is purely their own has been monumentally motivating and educational.

Please read the Billboard.com article and see how much work and thought has gone into this new album. And of course, to give them a listen! http://www.billboard.com/articles/columns/rock/7685883/vinyl-theatre-new-album-origami-songs-interview

“We made something that sounded completely different from the rest of the songs we'd been writing… [It’s] about laying your burdens down and taking a leap of faith when the trail runs cold.” - Keegan Calmes

If I could take the last bit of that quote and paint it on the wall above my bed without feeling like a Pinterest Princess I would. It correlates so smoothly with my quarter-century crisis, and the hardships I will face as I take on a new career path in writing. A few weeks ago, when I turned down a supported avenue towards becoming a dog trainer, I saw the trail was indeed running cold. It felt like a logical next step, but not the right step. In some ways it felt like a trap. Like if I put all my time and money into it I would be stuck as a dog trainer in a state saturated with others who have already staked their claim. You could argue that case for nearly any career path, but if your head isn't in the game, is the effort going to produce results? Vinyl Theatre has their head in the game. They recognized what was missing, what wasn't working, and regrouped, putting in a huge effort to create some damn good music. That's where I'm at. Focused in on the path I'm willing to put the huge effort into. There is some rust to shake off, but I feel my skills being polished. A career in writing, like in the music business, can see success come in ebbs-and-flows, but if I consistently put in the effort and push for a higher quality of writing, success will come.

The Human Metronome

I have an on going joke with myself. It's not lame, you have one about yourself too.

I call myself the "Human Metronome." How did this super hero-esque name come to fruition? Well, I have become pretty damn efficient with timing and pacing in my day-to-day life. To the point where I can predict my day, hours before the event I predict occurs. For example; yesterday I had to have a dog bath done by 3pm and no later, as that's when the parent insisted they were going to be arriving to pick him up. I discovered this request when I arrived at 7:30am. I clock in, take a look at my day, and know I've got a time crunch on my hands: off-leash hikes, on-leash walks, and three other baths filled the day. The walks have to be done first, and one of the baths was a dog I was bringing in from a hike, so they needed to be the first in the tub. I pushed through the day, and the 3pm dog was dry and jumping off the grooming table at 2:59pm, right as his dad pulled in to retrieve him. I'd say I got lucky, but I pull these feats off on a regular basis.

This well-paced trait shows its face in other ways too. Even splits during interval workouts. Heart rate and cadence staying within 5 units for an entire run or ride. Telling the girlfriend I need to go run an errand and being back in the time predicted. I wish I could say it's a gift, but the truth is, it stems from a trait I wish I felt less often, anxiety.

Everyone has some level of anxiety. Without it we would be aimless, emotionless turds. Mine usually presents itself in a fast paced, "against the clock" manner that I attribute to being involved in racing-based sports from an elementary school age to now. Pacing is so ingrained in my mind, that I have to calm myself down after a 5 minute delay. The fear that I won't hit the target pace, or finish the task on time is motivating to me. This is a fear I welcome, because being efficient and timely is rarely a negative.

For a long time I didn't realize I was an anxious person. In fact, most people describe me as laid back and easy going. It wasn't until about a year ago that I acknowledged the anxious bird on my shoulder. When my anxiety started displaying itself in another form. Mistrust. I typically view myself as a level headed person. I try and look at both sides of an argument. I try and get the full story before jumping to conclusions. But I started finding myself suspicious of the people I kept close and love. Assuming the worst will happen in most situations. Having more trust in complete strangers than people I've known for years. Because if they do something to me, it will hurt less. Part of it can be attributed to past events in life I won't call out on here. Hell, part of it could even be attributed to the trend of criminal based television and political news that is seemingly inescapable. But ultimately, it comes down to my own self-confidence. A fear that I am not worthy, or that peoples perception of me is not what they portray to my face. These are fears we all have at some point or another, and sometimes have truth behind them. However, it's when the fear becomes overwhelming, and logic or reasoning are lost, that it turns destructive.

Overturning this destructive way of thinking has been a focus of mine since then. Now, I have found ways to manage this fear. I mark it when it happens and move forward with my day. If it's a truth it will come back and make itself present again. If it's a false fear, I can not allow myself to spend all day thinking about it. That only feeds the anxiety and turns a fear-mongering thought into an "Alternative Fact" that my mind want's to use as a cornerstone the next time a moment presents itself. I also direct my anxiety into something constructive. Cleaning the apartment, or better yet, doing something that will boost my confidence like exercising or writing. It ain't perfect, but nothing is.

My bodies natural anxiousness I may never be able to change, but how I channel my anxiety I most definitely can. I'll keep pushing for those perfect splits. For the well-timed task. Striving for the most efficient day possible. Because, as my favorite graffiti'd fence in Eugene states, "Worry is a Misuse of Imagination," and feeling good about yourself is in the end, what breeds success.

Clean as You Go

Clean as you go;

lesson I've come to know

a motivation I soon hope to grow

stop letting things build

letting corners be filled

left with problems and nothing to show

don't sweep  under the rug with a light shoulder shrug

take the time, an often forced tug

take care of it early

before bruises turn burly

with cost out-weighing your pro

a ride in the rain

weathers your chain

and plugging a leak

leads other things weak

If you love it take care

neglect leads to wear

or the best fix may be letting go

Something I've been struggling to solidify in my day to day life is addressing problems when they first arrive. Brushing things off and letting them build only exasperates the problem. It's not just bike maintenance, or car maintenance, or keeping a clean house. It's keeping a clean mind, clean relationships, and having a better quality of life. It can be hard to want to stop what you are doing, or push when you are feeling lazy. However, addressing a problem as it happens and staying motivated to see it through, will always pay off in the end. Don't let something you care about slide into degrade and become a burden that needs to be trashed.

-Cass

The Sh*t Storm

I woke up this morning feeling a little under the weather. I felt it coming the last two days, but it finally hit me. A bad sore throat. My energy non-existant. But of course, I had to give the day a shot. Making money is a priority at the moment as Rian and I prepare for a move up to the Portland area.

I zombied through the day, walking dogs in the cold morning air, bundled up like it was below zero outside. Dog walks are nothing compared to a 90 mile bike ride, but today I felt like I could fall asleep at any moment if my eyes closed for just a few seconds. I got through them and started my grooming work. Three older dogs were on the list today. The old ones are my favorite. They are always a little less stressed, and require a gentle touch. This was exactly what I needed on a day where I felt like I couldn't muster up the strength to contain a ball of energy that wants to put up a "fight." I put that in quotes, because obviously that's not what grooming is really like. Positivity and comfort is key, which can take a lot of effort and energy working with those dogs that hate the grooming process.

The first two dogs were a breeze, which started turning me around with the end of my day in sight. My last dog happened to be one of my favorites, Jock. He is an elderly black lab, that in all respect is nearing the end. Every time I see him I fear it could be the last. So, getting the opportunity to groom him today made it feel like one last hoorah. I took a lot of time with him, making sure he was as comfortable as possible. Worked with him gently and compassionately, admittedly fighting back tears. I let him lay down through most of the work because his hips are shot, and tried to make sure he was never under stress. After he was clean, all that was left was a quick blow-dry before our time together was over. Because he was laying down most the time, the last area to dry was his rear end. I guided him up into a standing position and started blow-drying his back legs. As I got nearer to his, ahemm... hole, it triggered something in the poor guy, and with high pressure air blowing around, he started to poop. Shit went flying everywhere, including all over me.

I couldn't get mad at him. I knew it was not his fault. But, I couldn't help feel defeated after just turning my day around. A whole morning of feeling like shit, and now it has literally blown up in my face. It's hard not to be in a bad mood after such an event, but this entry is my opportunity to grow from it.

Life is going to throw some curve balls at you and all you can do is take a second to think about the positives. I got to spend time with my buddy Jock. I survived a day I probably should have stayed in bed for. And I was "gifted" with a good story.

My illness came at a pretty terrible time. I was just starting to find motivation to get back out on the bike and crank out some miles for the spring racing season. And now I am sick and another freezing rain warning is upon us. While I'm stuck inside trying to get better I must use this opportunity to cuddle up with my own pups and write, work on a few projects I'm almost done with, and prepare myself for more job hunting.

-Cass

Why Does This Blog Exist?

I've attempted blogs before. They failed. I lost motivation. I found new interests. They didn't pan out like I was hoping. You name it, and the excuse had been used. So, what's different about this one? I have focus, and the blog has a purpose. Not just for me, but those of you that care to read it.

For some, diving right into things is a tall order. They begin the "what if's" or contemplate what they have to give up. I could be considered a polar opposite. I have jumped into things without question. Full force, with a head full of steam and dream. And that is the reason we are here.

My entire life I have found myself jumping into half thoughts and whatever seems new and exciting. Barrelling at them like an avalanche. This way of thinking has brought me some success, no doubt. But it has also hurt me. I have gotten so into the dream of professional running, that I went to college... to run. I chose my school based on running trails, altitude, and a team I felt I could score points for. My education was an afterthought. I've gotten so involved in romantic relationships that I've lost sight of all my other friendships and most importantly myself. Leaving me in a bubble, not even focused on me. Hell, I got some dogs for companionship, and before I knew it I was a groomer, an on-and-off-leash walker, and accepted into a dog trainer academy.

Only a few short week ago, I was faced with a tough decision of taking on that career path with plenty of support, but a lot of commitment; not just to a town, a business, and financial investment, but to a future for years to come. I turned it down. Not because it wasn't an awesome opportunity, but because it just didn't feel right. My heart wasn't in it. One of the primary reasons my "full-forced" approach has backfired in the past. Clouded by a new experience and the thought "Yeah, I could do this," I've jumped into many long term commitments without a second thought. This time I knew it had to be different.

That brings us to the blog. One thing, aside from endurance sports, that has stuck with me over half my 26 year old life, is writing. When I did finally settle in on a degree path in college, I earned an English focused teaching degree. Moving to Oregon post-college and needing to go back to school to teach in my new state, I found myself working in the dog industry; leading me to dog training and my tough decision. I was clouded by newness, and focused on the wrong aspect of my degree. All through schooling, my professors would drive home the idea "Heavy Readers Make Good Writers." It is why I bought a bookshelf of paperbacks every semester. That idea alone discouraged me from thinking that I could ever be a true writer. I have never been the one to breeze through a novel each week, unless I had too. But that lone idea now weighs less on me. I do love to read. I read article after article of news and social media randomness every day. When I jump into my crazy ideas, I must know everything about them. When I do sit down for a good book, I take my time, see the imagery, and never skip a word. I love to read, just not the same way a creative writing professor loves to read. More importantly, I love to write!

I now have focus. Not just on a career path in writing, but a need to strive for balance overall. This blog is about keeping the big picture in mind. Working on me as a whole. It won't be solely about my writing. It won't be solely about my running and biking. Or dogs. It's about bringing everything together: writing, fitness, dogs, relationships, organization, chores, and happiness. This blog is here to keep me in check and motivate me to stay focused. For those that care to read, I hope my experiences will shed some light for you, or at the very least be fun to follow along with.

A post like this every day won't be realistic from a time standpoint, but I plan to update regularly as a sort of public journal and way to stay writing.

Best,
Cass